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midnight rush with a pen in my hand
Inkin' Lincoln, sand script with a fan. Remembering me before it began, sometimes I felt so def in the jam. Cause the ones who loved me told me to stop, like home girl can't catch shit if it drops. A superwoman chick you know that I am, some shit don't fly by me in a man. Got something really shiny to start, want me to sign there on your range rover heart? I've heard it before. The dinners were nice til your diamond words melted into some ice. I'm looking for love, not an empty page full of stuff that means nothing but you've been played. |
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he ate my heart.
 & then he ate my brain.
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my last post. i really wonder what kind of person i'm becoming. it's like i'm not myself anymore. i'm doing things i would have never done a year ago. have i always been that way? it's like the more i learn the less i know, & there's no turning back. yes, i blame the world & all it's unfairness for treating me that way, but i wish i was strong enough to resist. am i really turning into one of them? or was it who i was all along? i wish that somebody was here to help me. i don't want to become someone i hate. i can't believe that this is happening because i thought i was above all of this. i'm supposed to be the rebel, the anarchy, the resistance. how could i sink to the level of the rest of the world? i can't be only human. is the world making me this way? my environment & the people who surround me.. is this a case of if you can't beat them join them? okay not that i'm saying i'm so great or special. i would never. that is just so conceited & i would never think that way. i mean, nevermind. i don't have to explain myself on that one because those who know me know. but i'm really turning into one of them. maybe i'm just tired or i got lost along the way. it's all too easy to lose track sometimes. but i really hate who i am right now. i wish i was me again. i'm just scared that i can't find my way back. i wish i could. it's like i'm at the crossroads now. either i follow them, which is like so tempting because that's just what most people do: they grow up. or am i supposed to keep fighting? why must i keep fighting anyway. it's so unfair. i think no matter who i am i'll hate myself anyway. it's just the way i am. i just need to choose the direction that'll make me hate myself less. i wish you all could just read my mind & just understand. see the world through my eyes & know what it's like for me. how come everyone copes so easily, or is everyone else hiding it as well? that can't be it.. i know everyone has their own problems too but maybe they just solve them better. anyway i have to think of those without a home & without anyone by their side. they definitely have bigger problems. i should be content. i should be satisfied. i have so much more, don't i? einstein was right with his theory of relativity. everything is just relative. we just have to compare everything don't we? even if i had it all, compared to them it would seem like i have nothing. truthfully, i think that there's no turning back for me. i can't be the person who i once was. the girl who was content to just sit on the beach alone & look at the stars. i'm scarred forever by what the world has thrown at me. i can't unsee what i saw & unknow what i know. reality is crashing down upon me & i don't believe in what i used to believe in anymore. there were too many disappointments & goodbyes along the way. maybe one day, like 60 years from now, if i'm still alive & if this blog can still exist, i'll be back here, questioning life & everything like i used to. but i have to shove that aside for now & live the way they want me to. goodbye. |